All I Ever Wanted
by Stupid little slut
Summary: Matsuda is in love with a girl he can never have. When he breaks her heart, he realizes something he never thought would be true. Songfic to Grand Theft Autumn/Where is Your Boy by Fall Out Boy. Rated T for swearing.


Matsuda swam up through the grey cloud of sleep that was suffocating him and shot a deadly look at his alarm clock. The tiny black box burped out an unrelenting mechanical whine at a pitch that nearly drove the young detective mad. Sitting up in the cool dark of the bedroom, he slammed his open palm over the pest, ceasing the wail. The neon number pulsed gently, reminding Matsuda that he was going to be later for work. Again.

"Damn," he whispered to himself as he tumbled out of bed, pulling a plain white shirt over his bare chest as he did so. This with black blazer and matching pants would have to do, seeing as all of his other attire was currently carpeting the floor under his cold feet. He struggled to find these items, running a hand through his messy black hair. Her face ran through his mind for the umpteenth time that week. Ice blue eyes, golden hair which he loved (even if she despised it) and a laugh that seemed to radiate warmth from within his stomach whenever he heard it. It was such a damn shame that she would never be his. Lifting a damp smelling shirt from a mound of junk, he discovered a crumpled up sheet of notebook paper. While he smoothed the wrinkles to the best of his ability, one thing became clear to the young man: it was about Kitty. Some not-so-long-ago ink confession that he had scrawled down madly during a fit of insomnia, which of course she was the reason behind.

"Thank God I never let her see this thing," he said in a melancholy tone, mashing it into a ball once again and pitching it over his right shoulder.

_When I wake up, I'm willing to take my chances on the hope I forget_

_That you hate him more than you notice I wrote this for you [for you, girl]_

***

The young detective slipped into the break room, hoping to high heaven that somebody had remembered to make a fresh pot of coffee, sparing him the fate of guzzling down the day old grounds resting at the bottom. A delicate tap on his shoulder made the man nearly jump out of his skin.

"Holy hell, Matsu, scare easily enough?"

That voice. The one that made his knees shake so badly they nearly cracked the bone. As he tried to force his heart back down his throat he sputtered breathily, "You sc-scared me. Aren't you sup-posed to be in a meeting?" The younger girl gave a gesture that seemed to be a crossbreed of a shrug and a nod. The smile that she gifted him with sent a shockwave of goose bumps down his arms causing him to shiver, a fact she took notice of.

"Cold?"

"Uh, no, I mean, sort of, yes," he attempted shakily. The blond smirked and removed her black jacket, draping it around the man's shoulders with difficulty being as he was a good three inches taller than she. He blushed as he looked down at her flawless curves that were so close to his own body that he caught his breath. Just as he threatened to grab her by the waist and kiss her, a monotone voice ripped a gaping hole in his plan.

"Am I interrupting something?" L Lawliet queried, a hint of jealously tingeing those charcoal eyes. The detective fixed Matsuda with an icy stare, eyeing their close proximity just as Matsuda himself had been doing only moments ago. Kitsune's face instantly began to glow at the sight of her superior, her blue eyes dancing. She bolted across the room and laced her arms around his neck, planting a row of kisses all across his face. Matsuda glowered acidly from his place by the coffee maker. He couldn't help but wonder how Kitty ever fell for a man like L. I mean, sure, he was a genius and the world's greatest detective and blah, blah, blah. But so what? Matsuda could easily fill Ryuzaki's shoes. It wouldn't even be a challenge!

"Touta? Is something troubling you?" His boss asked loudly, cocking his head to one side and smirking knowingly. The younger man gritted his teeth and shook his head slightly. He was trying with every ounce of common sense he had left to keep quiet, but his anger got in the way of that plan.

"No, Ryuzaki-san, everything's fine. You know, except for the fact that you're a total ass and need to take your sleazy sex-toy somewhere private." Pride swelled through him as he watched L's face contort into rage, but then he caught sight of Kitty's face. Tears pooled in the corners of her eyes and tumbled down her flushed cheeks. Slender fingers curled into fists and her voice cut him like a knife as she screamed, "Sleazy sex-toy?! Who the _fuck_ do you think you _are_! I swear to _fucking God_, Matsuda, sometimes I think your birth was a goddamn accident of nature!" She tore away from L and threw open the exit. With a final howl of anger, the hurt young woman slammed the door and fled the office building.

_You need him; I could be him._

_I could be an accident, but I'm still trying._

_And that's more than I can say for him._

Two days later, Matsuda was curled up on his bed. He surveyed the disaster of a room before his eyes. Mountains of old take-out boxes and dirty laundry were everywhere. Torn pieces of photographs and files lay strewn under his body, and a faint smell of rot and mildew hung in the air. It was around four in the afternoon, and the man had still not gotten out of bed. He lay, fully dressed, on his side. Hot tears of hatred and jealousy spilled down and wet the pillow he was resting on. How could he have been so stupid? What compelled him to say such hurtful things to the woman he loved more than the very breath he drew?

_Some day I'll appreciate your value_

_Get off my ass and call you_

_In the meantime I'll sport my brand new fashion of waking up with pants on at four in the afternoon._

"Kitty…I'm so sorry…" he mumbled wearily into his hands for the thousandth time that day. He only prayed that wherever she was, L was taking care of her. Enfolding her into his arms and kissing her hair. Telling her that everything was alright; that he would never hurt her in his life. Making her feel as though nothing had gone wrong; that her heart had not been broken by the horrible words of a friend. And as he thought this, somehow he knew it was true. He felt it in his gut. She would be happier without him, and her happiness was all he wanted. All he had _ever_ wanted. With this though resting in his mind, for the first time in days, Matsuda Touta was happy, too.

_Where is your boy tonight?_

_I hope he is a gentleman. _

_Maybe he won't find out what I know._

_You were the last good thing about this part of town._


End file.
